


Caution: Contents Extremely Flammable

by Crunchysunrises



Category: Naruto
Genre: Boredom, Community: fic_promptly, Gen, Humor, Pyromania
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-06 13:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1107661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crunchysunrises/pseuds/Crunchysunrises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deidara is bored. That is not a good thing for anyone, but especially his housemates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caution: Contents Extremely Flammable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Edellin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edellin/gifts).



> **Title:** Caution: Contents Extremely Flammable  
>  **Fandom:** Naruto  
>  **Rating:** PG-13  
>  **Content Notes:** None  
>  **Disclaimer **:**** I have no rights to or within the Naruto franchise, copyright, character or trademark. This is for fun, not profit.  
>  **Summary:** Deidara is bored. That is not a good thing for anyone, but especially his housemates.  
>  **Additional Notes:** Fulfills [](http://edellin.dreamwidth.org/profile)[](http://edellin.dreamwidth.org/)**edellin** 's 2012 Wishlist prompt which was "Annoying the hell out of someone you love or hate (or both) can be a lot of fun... (unless there are complications)." Also fulfills the prompt “Naruto, Deidara, the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation” prompt on fic_promptly.

Being a member of a top secret criminal organization was not all glamorous high-ranking ops, slutty kunoichi, and comfortable digs in metropolitan areas.

In fact, the ops were usually shitty and not at all glamorous, the accommodations were shittier, and, while his palm-mouths were usually highly appreciated by his sexual partners, one look at Deidara’s chest-mouth was enough to make even the sluttiest kunoichi have second thoughts about banging him. (Sewing the damn thing shut in no way improved Deidara’s chances of scoring, either.) And if anyone ever asked, no self-respecting internationally renowned S-class criminal (including Deidara) would ever admit that their life was mostly walking, running, hiding, and living hand to mouth. (But it was. Oh, was it ever.)

Glorious long-running, life-or-death battles in which Deidara could exercise the full range of his artistic vision were few and far between, especially since Sasori stopped letting him visit public places by himself. (It made bathroom stalls much more cramped. They were just not designed for one guy to poop and another one to stand across from him, stare at him suspiciously, and sneering at his human frailties.)

And then there was the boredom.

Deidara hated to be bored and that was all he was allowed to be when Akatsuki’s members were supposed to be laying low, like now.

They had been in the Land of Ice safe house for thirty-six whole hours now!

 _Surely,_ Deidara thought, _the others must be bored by now too._

Sasori was playing with his puppets, Kisame was crooning and fussing over his monstrous blade, and Itachi was staring at Kisame moodily. None of them were bored. Worse, none of them were willing to sneak out of the safe house with Deidara for a little fun. But worst of all, that prick Itachi helpfully offered to put Deidara under a genjutsu to help him pass the time.

Deidara shuddered and politely declined. Even he could see that Itachi was about a half dozen kunai short of a brace. He hated that guy but he had no desire to be set on fire again, either.

So really, what happened in the bathroom was not Deidara’s fault.

He just happened to be there when it happened.

And if he helped things along with a well placed fire jutsu, well, no one could prove that.

It turned out that Kisame _could_ prove it and that Sasori was too logical for Deidara’s own good.

“Okay, okay, even if a fire jutsu was used in the bathroom, it wasn’t necessarily by me, yeah,” Deidara replied. “That’s a common area. Anyone could’ve done it. Uchiha’s a famous fire user, yeah.”

Sasori stared at Deidara flatly.

Kisame, who was sitting on an honest to goodness _frothing_ Itachi, arched his eyebrows at Deidara. His expression was disbelieving, which was just uncalled for. Deidara was a brilliant liar, yeah!

“You’re going with that?” Kisame asked as his partner set the nearest snowdrift on fire. Luckily, it was snow so it just melted and got in Uchiha’s open mouth, making him gurgle. It was a surprisingly menacing sound. “Really, Deidara? Because it seems unlikely that Itachi would torch his own hair.”

Yeah, that seemed unlikely to Deidara too. Uchiha was a total princess when it came to his hair.

Truthfully, torching Itachi’s hair was not what Deidara had been going for when he had started messing around with Itachi’s can of hairspray. That was just a happy fringe benefit (and possibly Deidara’s best work to date.)

Uchiha had been disappointingly quick with the water jutsu, though.

There must have been a lot of fire-related accidents in the Uchiha clan when there was a Uchiha clan, back before Itachi flipped his shit and murdered them all.

Deidara edged a couple of precautionary steps away from his comrades, particularly the one that had conjured a half-formed fire giant, which was currently crouched over Kisame, trying to pry him off of Uchiha’s back. The giant’s lack of forearms, much less hands, was something of a handicap, though.

“Uchiha isn’t generally noted for his wanton destructiveness,” Sasori calmly noted, while Kisame slapped at the boney humerus poking at the back of his head.

Deidara grinned, partly because it was true and partly because if he turned his head to the right and looked down, he could see the smoking remnants of the mysteriously destroyed safe house and the three kilometers, more or less, of scorched earth surrounding it.

It was _breathtaking._

“It’s wonderful, yeah,” Deidara said happily. Even if no one could prove that it had been him, his work was practically signed. “True art, Sasori.”

Sasori, who generally only had two expressions (bored and maniac) on his wooden face, did an excellent approximation of a bad-tempered glower.

“Why’d you do it, Deidara?” Kisame sighed. He was pinching the bridge of his nose with the fingers of the hand that was not holding Itachi’s face out of the slush. “Truthfully.”

“The bottle said, ‘Caution: Contents Extremely Flammable’. So that was my motivation, yeah.”

Uchiha made a sound that Deidara had previously thought reserved only for dying pigs.

It was _glorious._

  



End file.
